I mean I can look around neocities, cuz neocities has a bunch of cool pages out there right. Like this one, I really like the whole intro and everything, very cool, pastel-goth, vampiric etc. Amazing.

Maybe the deal is that it’s more like an organic growth kind of thing. Like how I’ve been making it that my posts would look nice on the index page on mobile, and fixing that my headers would not fuck up the post summaries in Hugo etc. Vampire Apologist has like 4000+ updates! can you believe that! And here I am, making my 10th commit I think. So like…. I guess it’s more like a journey rather than a sprint here.

I’m still playing the piano, looking forward to receive my m’vave fm-1 because I MUST CONSUME PRODUCT. I purchase therefore I am. That’s a p good idea lemme write it down.

I guess that’s the deal, the fear of the white paper or something, you just keep on staring at it. AT LEAST the good news is that I can bust out like 500 words in a blog post on a drop of a dime LOL.

My work today was not good, so much paperwork to do after you have a child. But all my ducks are going into a row, after about 3 weeks I’ll have a WHOLE MONTH to spend with my newborn. BOY HOWDY! Going to Costco and buying crap mmMMMMMMMMMMM yes that’s lovely.

Fuck I’m such a boomer now man. I’m getting fat and my hair’s falling out too. Am I literally over the hill now? I guess time will tell.

SO ANYWAY the big question really is “when do we start doing the COOL stuff” and the answer is “we are doing the cool stuff”. Like today I actually browsed the neocities.org site, it’s much better than just browsing reddit y’know. Found some cool pages and eventually I’ll be making my own “cool page”. I’m still finding a vibe for it, but it’s coming. I’ve been cleaning my house around and once again, you won’t believe it, you can clean the house… bit by bit. It’s that simple!

I’ll still keep on writing these blogs dude.

I get so fucking distracted all the time like I’ve been jonesing for new ink for my fountain pen y’know. Like I used this one bottle for like 8 years and finally it ran out. I wrote like 8 years worth of diaries with one bottle (I used other pens and whatever as well sometimes okay)

Then my wife has this one bottle of ink that’s just black and I’m like man I COULD just use this black ink but it’s just not my vibe yknow. That Pilot Yama-budo rocked (despite it having literally ZERO waterproofness like fuck you. Worst part? When it got on your fingers. Then it stained your fingers for a whole day. Like what the fuck why can’t it stay on the paper when it gets wet but on fingers it’ll just stay there)

I ended up surfing for inks for like 50 minutes and ended up getting a Diamine Royal Blue. I just don’t vibe with black inks! Didn’t wanna get another purple one either. I was thinking about red but that’ll give me eye-strain y’know.

Fuck idk why I’m so ADHD today lol. But okay I’ll brush my teeth and off to bed. Tomorrow I’ll do some actual work and get some shit done. Read less

I’ve been feeling a bit crap as well with all the comedown and still feeling so fat. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster of a trip, and sometimes I think what would HE think if he saw me and could process with his little brain that his own father is fucking reddit doomscrolling. Yknow kids are so impressionable, and they end up emulating their own parents because they think it makes them grown up.

And I’m like damn there has to be much more about adulthood than just doomscroll, bitching online and whining lol.

Anyway the point I’m tryina say is that I’m gonna go and sign up to the gym tomorrow. an ACTUAL gym and start working out. I’m gonna worry about cleaning up the house later tomorrow lol yeah.

Another big news: ain’t nothing like a celebration without some spending! I bought myself a FM1. Fucking excited as hell despite already owning a MPC Live 2 LOL. I guess it’s just TOO BIG for my small dainty little hands.

Check out all the cool firmwares ppl are vibecoding with it. Now THAT’s some sweet shit! Read less

I don’t know, people say that they are filled with LOVE when they stare at their child, and I was there looking at him and thinking “boy, we got a lot of stuff to do.”

I’m kinda excited but scared at the same time, but I guess that’s what my mom was talking about when she said that a parent’s life is a life of worry. I didn’t really like that stupid game called “Death’s Stranding” but I did like Madds Mikelsen’s scenes, and his last line:

When I found out I was going to be a father, I was so scared. I had to be there for you and your mother, no matter what. I couldn’t just go off and get myself killed anymore. But I had it wrong. Being a father didn’t make me scared, it made me brave.

Fantastic!

Now that’s yeah what I am feeling. I find myself doomscrolling on reddit and I think: “Man, I gotta do better here. I’ll show my son that there’s a shit ton of cool stuff out there.” Sometimes I get so depressed, about how whole lotta people are gonna get their ass kicked in the upcoming days… but I won’t mope around. We gotta do what we can do.

Yeah it’s been a wild weekend. Loads of stuff to do but exciting times ahead. I’m not sure how I’ll balance it all but I guess I’ll go with the ol’ reliable: “One thing at a time!” That strategy has never let me down LOL. Read less

I have had a wild week since my last post. My friends came over, we drank wine and beer, watched Sideways and The Room.

Both were quite amazing movies really. My friend said that Sideways was kind of a sad movie, but compared to Another Round, this one was kind of a “funny ha-ha” kind of movie rather than a “funny that it happened” kind of funny. I’d really suggest watching Sideways, that’s definitely a “guy movie”!

Things that are getting me down

• I quit doing snus for like the 3rd time again. It’s totally worth it cuz my gums will tell me “thanks bro” when I stop, but the worst part about quitting snus is those few initial days where you just feel so god damn depressed. Nicotine is just a dopamine generator and with out it your brain will have a rude awakening. What do you mean, now the BRAIN has to create its own chemicals? Fuck youuuuu!!!
• I’m so sick of the fact that I have become so reliant for AI yknow, I can’t fucking do my work without AI…. Not because I don’t want to, but I just sometimes can’t fucking pick myself up through my ADHD, get major brain fog, and just can’t get the ball rolling. I know it sounds like a skill issue, but it sometimes is like that. At least with AI I can just say “ok bro just do these couple of things for me”, i’ll get it out within a minute or two, then I’ll be like yea ok let’s commit it and it’s done.
• Somebody dropped the ball big time and now we can’t use AI here without paying through the nose LOL mannnnnn….
• anyway yeah dude like Id totally pay for AI if it actually was good but it’s like “good enough” at best.
• my fucking interest rates are going up and now that AIs eating up all the budget I’m NOT gonna get any extra money LOL.

Things that are getting me up

• yknow there’s one thing that AI will NEVER get into and that’s your own skills. It will never throw the darts for you, it will never play the piano for you. I’ve been practicing both of these quite a lot, and also gotten into writing as well. There was this video about transcribing music and it said that these jazz transcription music note videos are like a burger, and for the person watching those, they’ll lose the opportunity to train their own ears.
• i’m also losing weight properly like I’m nearly down to a 100 kgs. Just 2 more kilos to go. I can also do more pushups than usual. One day I’ll be like this guy LOL
• I’m also gonna see my dear SO over the weekend so it’s GREAT. Gonna drink a bunch of wine and have a great time.
• Like I mentioned before those two movies Sideways and The Room… They were really inspiring. The Room especially. Every time I’m writing out my stories I worry about if the story is logical or not, if the characters are likeable, if the thing itself is fun.. but then Tommy Wiseau comes along and he’s like “That breast cancer thing? It’s a twist, don’t worry about it!” Such a weird throwaway line LOL I knew The Room was a “Bad Movie” but I was surprised there were about 20 minutes of sex scenes! Holy crap! That’s a lot of boning. There’s also some surprisingly good shot scenes as well. Might as well be made by Akira Kurosawa here dude.
• I’ve been playing a shit ton of piano recently…. Not getting mega good yet but like if I would practice the B melody and the chorus in Daisy Bell… I’d be done with it finally LOL I could play it end to end no problem.
• here’s some pianoinspirations dude. I love tarkus (best fucking album ever made) and it was kinda weird to see that the big mega hit “Tainted Love” only has like 2 parts in the song. There’s the verse part, and then the bridge part… which would go into the chorus, but the chorus shares A LOT with the verse itself, so.. there’s just 2 parts to the song LOL

Anyway yeah dudes I think it’s just the withdrawals talking but I am feeling like SHIT. Good thing I don’t have much to do tomorrow at work otherwise i’d be fucking dead LOL.

This is David Wallace talking about being yourself

and here’s the video where some dude talks about typography, and how it’s not about really making things look pretty, but it’s about making the text palatable for the modern audience. I’m like DAMN I wish I knew anything about typography. I need to find out that “thinking in type” book cuz my fucking blog needs a facelift as well, cuz I showed this blog to my PM and he was like “so uh… it’s like a blog or smth” I’m like yeah dude it’s a blog LOL

Anyway GUYS! There are good things and bad things out there, but I think the worst thing about being depressed is that you STOP doing things you like to do… which is the worst mistake you can make, because what are you doing when you stop doing things you like…. probably things you don’t like RIGHT? So that makes you feel more shit. I’m really glad I’m back into blogging and I can just type this shit out because it makes me feel good. It’s like digital scrapbooking yknow.

I think i’ll pick up some typography books and get to work on the blog. AI is really good, but the big problem AI has is that it can’t design for shit. Let me rephrase that: most sites out there are complete garbage. Just because it loads up some React BS and takes like 900 megabytes of ram to render your fucking landing page, it doesn’t mean it’s good!! Hell, when ppl at work give me their fucking vibed out artifacts that have all these effects that when you scroll down it says shit like “This model is not X…. it’s Y” or “A NEW WAY TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM”

i’m like motherfucker dude…… get to the fucking point. Where is the real data you need me to read.

Hey like we’re already here so I’ll go on a rant here: we are blowing the budget because ppl vibe out docs, and you know how chatty Claude gets right. So ppl don’t wanna read that shit, because it uses architectural terms to talk about code. So they let Claude read it, and then claude guesses what needs to be done. And hey! there goes my Christmas bonus!

THANKS ASSHOLES!

anyway here’s an actual documentary I’m planning to watch tomorrow: Al Lowe yapping about Leisure Suit Larry 3. Now THAT’s a game dude. I love Leisure Suit Larry, such a weird game lol

Y’know all these vibe coded games are coming out but the MAIN PART of any game is the question: is it fun or not. And guess what! If it ain’t fun, why bother?. A lot of these fucking games these days are just job simulators. I don’t mean whatever Simulator slop games, but I mean “gather XYZ crap and craft a thing then you can go to then next part and craft some bullshit. Also! when you log in every day and do dailies you can get the shagging dog emote!” and I’m like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck dude I can’t do this anymore LOL. Am I a player or am I getting played? Why am I playing anything to get a shagging dog emote…. Why do I even care if I can get the shagging dog emote or not.

I guess I’m just a scarred individual with a shit ton of complexes and growing up poor was kinda rough on me. Now that I got it good it’s like man I NEED to guard all this otherwise i will lose it all. that’s where ACT comes into play: rather than trying to cock-and-ball torture my thoughts into submission (cuz thats what CBT stands for), ACT lets you to make space for it. You can say THANKS BRAIN! and it’ll be OK. Let it flow. Allow yourself to feel vurnerable.

ACT’s been a real lifesaver fr. I need to get my book back from my buddy though. I always give out these books and then expect these clowns be like “oh hey I read that book you gave me, thanks, I’ll give it back to you now” next time we meet. Like it would be nice right? If I wanted them to keep the book I’d tell them that, but the implicit part is that I’m lending out the book from my library, so please treat me like a library and bring them back lol.

Yeah I could re read this blog post and make the posts more “readable” and what not but yknow what

I’ll allow myself to write out this shit and post it AS IT IS. Rawdog my blog.

Rawblogging. Now that’s a tag I should go with LOL Read less